breaking point...

the latest bullsh!t...it's been a while since i've posted anything so i figured i'd post an update.  nothing has really changed.  i try to remain calm at all times but sometimes the emotions get the best of me.  my ex like to work the system like it's his dirty little $10 whore and i'm the one that ends up getting screwed.  so...we had a section added into our custody agreement regarding family parties and our daughter being able to attend them if we give two weeks notice regarding the event and we were in agreement to it.  so since the last time i tried to send him certified letters and he chose not to pick them up from the post office because he knew they were from me...this time i thought...hmmmm...i'll send it from my lawyer to his lawyer so he's sure to get it...i sent it one month beforehand so he had sufficient time to process this in his tiny little brain.  well...yesterday...4 days before the event...i still hadn't heard from him and could not get in contact with my attorney so i emailed him and simply stated that i wanted to verify that he and his attorney received my letter and to confirm the time for pick up.  well holy hell how convenient that he says he never received any letter and proceeded to ask what it was regarding.  i told him to contact his attorney.  then later in the evening we spoke on the phone and he just yells and yells about why would i send a letter through the lawyers and that it's supposed to be between the two of us.  well my little brained puppet friend...when i tried doing things that way you don't want to take the calls or pick up the mail i send so i figured the most efficient way to contact one another was through lawyers.  i didn't make it that way...who hired an attorney first *clears throat* so at the end of the conversation it ended with me tell him he is a liar and letting him know we will be going back to court.  he doesn't want to follow any part of this agreement unless it's in his favor only.  it just seems like i keep getting the shitty end of the stick every page i turn with this agreement and his favorite line is "your lawyer drew this up" yeah...fuckface...but you agreed to all the terms and now you want to fight me on a weekend that our child was looking forward to family functions with her cousins who she barely gets to see...ri.dic.u.lous!!!  so...i'm thinking i'm going to try to get the custody battle transferred to the county i live in and see about full custody this time.  i just can't deal sometimes.  i try to examine my own feelings and figure out the exact thing i'm feeling...it's not always anger...sometimes it's deeper than that.  i try to really dig deep and think...am i really angry or upset about THIS ISSUE...or does it run deeper...am i just still hurt by all of this...am i jealous for some reason...do i still love him...did i make the right choice for me and my kids...will my life ever be ok...will i always burst into tears out of nowhere because of this whole ordeal...will the sheriff decide to leave the emotional trainwreck that is me...i just don't know which way i'm going sometimes...i worry constantly...what mean trick will him and HF use if i try to get full custody...am i strong enough to get through another few years of this...i know i'm strong...but when is my breaking point???

my DEERest...

i think my ex will have a heartattack when he finds out that i'm requesting mediation/counseling for us to attend together with our daughter due to current issues our daughter is having in school and lack of communication.  i wonder which would be worse in his mind...couseling...or more child support and modifying the custody agreement.  i have truly never met anyone as "special" as he is.  most of the time he looks like a dear in headlights.  i just wish they were my headlights...and that he was really a deer. 

dear adulterer...

sigh...i sent an email to my ex regarding taxes to let him know that they sent me the full amount and the response i get is all...

accusatory and blaming...i wonder if he'll ever let go.  we all do things out of anger and hurt feelings...but he used me for whatever he could get out of me while he was professing his love to HF and totally left me out in the cold.  like it wasn't enough that he pissed on me but he's gotta shit on me too?!?!?!  well here is my response...

DEAR ADULTERER,

FUCK OFF AND GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SIGNED - THE ORIGINAL PUPPETMASTER (smooches)

welcome to the maury show...

and this is my story regarding my oldest daughter whom will be referred to as "lulu".  i'm going to start this little story by saying that my (soon to be) ex was the only father she knew from the time she was 2 years old.  I never told her to call him Daddy...she just picked up on the fact that he was it and everything was good.  He was never a real disciplinarian for her...he was scared to say or do the wrong thing when it concerned her...i think mostly for fear that i would beat the shit out of him if he hurt my little girl.  step parenting has to be hard...especially if there is no other father involved.  so he was it...he took on the role of father to her without any question.  i felt lucky to have met someone like that.  i'll also note that my daughter is bi-racial and he comes from a family that likes to throw the word "nigger" around a whole lot.  well i broke them of that real quick...i mean...real quick.  so probably about 2 years after lilfoots was born lulu preferred spending most of her time with my parents.  ex and her fought constantly for my attention and affection and i was torn right down the middle because that's my daughter and i wanted to keep my husband happy too.  he would do things to spite her at that point.  well through the separation for the first few months from oct/2008 to jan/2009 he still would take lulu during the time he took lilfoots because they were his children and that was it.  well...once HF came into the picture...that was it.  he dropped lulu like she was a hot disease ridden potato.  now 2.25 years later he won't even say hello or look lulu in the eye.  not one word.  how can you be a father for 8 years to a child and then just turn your back and walk away????  i don't understand.  so with that being said...i started my quest for her real father.  now this hurts to say and this is the reason why this post is titled "welcome to the maury show"...i was 18 and involved in unsavory things including but not limited to lots of cocaine and lots of heavy drinking.  so...i am about 90% positive that her father is a Nigerian man named Abdul that i spent very little time with...enough time to get pregnant...but barely knew much about one another.  our brief affair started when we met at a 7-11 (romantic i know)...he was 10 years older than me and was so handsome.  he took me on weekend getaways to DC and Maryland and it was exciting and fun.  so after a weekend away he dropped me off at the apartment i lived in...in Elkins Park and i already just knew i was pregnant...right away.  he disappeared for almost 3 months and i was terrified.  18...pregnant and completely alone.  wtf.  so during those 3 months that he went missing...i slept with this guy ya just a few times...but enough times that anything is possible.  now i remember abdul coming to the apartment after months out of the picture and me telling him i was pregnant...showing him the EDC (estimated date of conception) and he was great about the whole thing...he asked if i needed anything and told me we would go out the next day and spend time together.  the next day i paged him (that was the day of pagers) and paged him and paged him...no response.  hours passed and finally i got a call back and it was him asking me if i had considered an abortion.  i asked him how he could disappear for 3 months and then act like he had any kind of say in what happened from there???  my mind was made up and he could either be a full time father or a no time father because he wasn't going to have my child growing up disappointed.  well...that was it...i never heard from him again.  when i was pretty far along...maybe 7 or 8 months i went to the apartment he had in Jenkintown and as i was knocking on the door realized it was slightly open...when i walked in the entire place was cleared out.  and there it was...the moment i really knew that i was completely alone in this decision i made as a child that quickly turned me into an adult.  so a few friends that knew ya told me over the years that lulu looked like him and omg he's gotta be the dad.  but none of them knew abdul...and i just saw abdul in her face...her smile...her eyes...everyday i still see him in her.  i barely remember what he looks like...but she looks like him.  over this past summer of 2010 i reached out to ya on facebook and i told him i needed to talk to him.  i told him...after 11 years that there was a possibility that he had a daughter but that i thought the chance of him being her father was the slimmest there was.  i told him that we should get a paternity test to rule out the possibility.  we got together and talked through things.  i informed him that i didn't want to disrupt his life or his engagement to his fiance...that i just simply wanted to know for sure.  that was fine...we would text on a weekly basis and try to figure things out...but nothing ever happened.  that was it.  then around xmas time he basically cursed me out via text and told me that i kidnapped his daughter and that he knows that she is his and there is no question.  well...for me...there is a still a HUGE question.  only a paternity test will tell at this point if he is or isn't.  i did some research on abdul as well.  apparently i found out that he was arrested after he dropped me off that time and spent close to 3 months in MCCF.  he came straight to me when he was released and then disappeared again.  he was going through a trial for identity fraud and credit card scam rings that he was involved in.  boy i can sure pick them huh!?!?!  well now i have all the info i need to possibly locate him...but do i really want to reach out to someone that i also recently found out was married at the time i was involved with him and had an infant step son.  so welcome to my life aka the maury show...some difficult decisions need to be made here...and sometimes i still feel like a child myself...these decisions i've made have directly affected another human being...and have hurt her...now i need to make the decision that could possibly heal the hurt...or cause more...being a parent hurts.

golden showers...

alright now...this one is getting really personal and i don't usually share this story with many people...only those few i trust.  i figured maybe someone else could relate so here it is...after we were already having some issues in our relationship maybe sometime around july of 2008 i came home from work one day about 6:00pm and as usual he was sitting out back drinking a beer and i was in the house with the kids.  our only form of communication when i was home at that point was him texting me and me walking to the back door saying...i'm right here...why don't you just talk to me.  well the kids were fed and around 7 we made our way upstairs for bathtime and some quiet time before bed.  i got the baths and jammies on and got lilfoots and lulu in bed (lulu is the oldest for those that don't know).  i then went into my bedroom (that we still shared) and started getting myself changed into some comfy clothes from my work clothes.  here he comes stumbling up the stairs.  he then asked "what are you doing?" with very slurred speech.  i asked him if he was drunk and he continued to slur his words very badly and said "nah i jusss haddtoo berrs" i knew there were only two beers left that morning when i left for work so i'm sure he did only have two "berrs" but i also had wine in the fridge and asked him "well did you drink my wine?" his response..."nah i only haddtoo berrs." he then walked over towards his side of the bed...turned around to sit on the edge of the bed...went to sit down...and fell off the bed flat on his ass.  now...normally i would find this hysterical if someone did this in front of me...i would be rollin!!!  but after so many years of the slurred speech and the antics that come with being married to an alcoholic...it just wasn't funny anymore.  so he did whatever changing he was doing and got up and was staggering and turned around to talk to me and kept asking "are you mad at me?" um...no i just want to divorce you dumbass!!!  wtf!?!?  am i mad at you...no i just can't stand the sight of you.  he kept asking...and then finally he got that look on his face...ya know...that oh shit i'm gonna throw up face...and i said don't you dare throw up in here you better make it to the toilet and you better not leave a mess for me to clean up.  so he ran in the bathroom and i got all my shit including my alarm clock and made my way into the kids bedroom and set up shop and laid down to go to sleep.  then he came in looking for me and asked what i was doing...i said what does it look like i'm doing, i'm going to sleep...i have to get up early and can't risk a night of no sleep because you are drunk again.  he begged me to come to bed...i refused...he went away...i fell asleep.  i was woken up to a noise around 1am and found him standing over me in bed...urinating on me!!!  since my daughters were next to me in bed i couldn't exactly yell at him in the fashion that i thought he deserved for that so i whisperyelled "what the fuck are you doing?!?!?!"  he looked at me (still drunk) like he wasn't doing anything wrong...and shrugged his shoulders.  the next day i woke up...started getting things together to get myself in the shower to get ready for work...go in the bathroom and what do i find but a red mess of throw up in the toilet, the sink and splatters everywhere.  not sure about you but "berrs" aren't usually red...but the wine that he didn't drink sure was...and there you have it...that was it...that was that moment where there was absolutely no turning back.  golden showers are one thing when both parties are in agreement and into that sort of thing...but waking up to your husband urinating on you in the middle of the night is not my idea of a good...healthy marriage.

that moment...

the story all began on March 23rd, 2000.  we were set up on a blind date by a girl named Melanie that was a mutual friend.  it started with a date to red lobster, a dozen purple tulips (my favorite) and drinks at a bar to watch a band he was friends with.  don't hate on the red lobsters...we were 21.  so he was a perfect gentleman, opened doors, paid for dinner and drinks, quiet and sweet.  he didn't even try to kiss me goodnight.  that was the spring that ended me for a long time.  we spent every minute together that we possibly could.  he had a lot of friends and i liked that.  he was part of a softball league, a volleyball league, he played cards with friends one night a week...in other words he had a life other than me which is always a good sign.  i was too much for him to handle sometimes...but he liked that.  by the end of the summer we were already planning our life together.  i already had a 2 year old daughter and he wanted a whole flock of kids.  it was known immediately that i didn't want anymore children...i never pretended otherwise.  and then we started looking at engagement rings in october.  only 7 months into a relationship of not knowing one another ENOUGH.  by december 1st the ring was on my finger and the wedding plans began.  our nuptials would take place on august, 31st of 2002.  wedding plans were stressful, i wanted to elope and he wanted the big wedding aka...gifts.  so we kept it simple and made it about family and friends.  my first indication of problems should have been when his parents made a big stink about every detail not even being able to be in the same room together.  but we proceeded blinded by what we thought was love...but really we were just looking for someone to rescue us both.  that second income really is a big deal in todays economy.  the wedding came around...it was perfect weather...we had a great time...so in love.  about a year into our marriage is where we started having problems.  fighting all the time, he was home all the time and somehow all those friends he had in the beginning...it turned out they weren't his friends anymore.  so one night in May of 2003 we had a huge blow out argument at 3am.  after that...we were back to bliss.  so he kept pushing the baby issue.  finally...i caved.  we made a plan to get pregnant in august or september so my maternity leave would be strategically placed during the summer of 2004.  we conceived our daughter around thanksgiving leaving a due date of august 15th, 2004.  during our pregnancy we moved twice, once on 4/1/04 into a rental house in the burbs and then the second time on 8/15/04 into the house that we purchased together.  our little bundle of joy was born on 8/27/04...just to mention a weird factoid here...my oldest daughters birthdate is 8/26/98...they were exactly 6 years and 1 day apart.  things were good...i went back to work after the maternity leave which was the first strain.  i knew i wanted no more pregnancies or children so i opted for a tubal ligation after giving birth to our daughter who will be referred to as lilfoots...knowing that this was my last baby it was heart wrenching knowing that i would miss every little thing...first words, first steps...all of those things.  so we talked about it and worked it out and decided together that i would be a stay at home mom.  it was great...a little strapped for cash...but a wonderful experience getting to be there for both my girls like that.  so time passed and the financial strain started wearing on both of us...we were getting buried in debt and he resented me for it...but wouldn't say it.  he was passive agressive and would undermine everything i said or did.  so i decided in 2007, after the strain on our marriage was already almost unrepairable, to go back to work full time.  it was good for me to get back around adult conversation and some kind of socializing.  by that point he had completely isolated himself from anything that resembled a friend...his drinking had become more excessive.  on weekends he would start drinking at 9am and wouldn't stop until he passed out or staggered to the bathroom to throw up.  and then one day i just snapped!  i couldn't even look at him anymore...the thought of us being together made me nauseas.  this man that i once loved...i couldn't even bare to look at anymore.  so i started going out one night a week with girlfriends.  he wouldn't even allow me the space to do that and would text me or call the whole time i was out.  untrusting...pushing me further away.  i handled things poorly.  i was running away from the problems instead of embracing them and working through them.  i fully admit that.  it quickly fell apart...as quickly as it came together.  by May of 2008 i told him we needed to separate.  by August of 2008 he was calling me 15 times a day crying, texting me 150/200 times a day saying please don't leave me.  emailing me 200 times a week professing his love.  so...i told him that we should go to marriage counseling.  he said he would go.  my condition is that i was so tired of doing everything for everyone else and that he had to find the doctor and make the appt and i would be there.  so i waited...and waited...and no appt was ever made and no doctor was ever found.  so my apartment search began for the separation.  i think in the back of my mind i always knew he wouldn't ever do what i asked...so i knew it was over.  i moved out on 10/4/2008 into my very first own apartment.  it was one of the best feelings i had ever felt in my entire life.  my own space...my own...sigh.  well the guilt continued...he pressed on with the phone calls and the texting and the emails on how much i was hurting him and all he ever wanted was to spend his life with me.  i've never denied my part in the failure of my marriage...but he was just unwilling to accept that he played any part or that he was less than perfect.  so we continued to try to work through our problems without counseling...we went on a few dates and spent time together as a family with the kids.  we spent that new years together and for my birthday he took me to dinner and a movie and got upset when i wanted to go out with my friends.  separation...means being separate at times.  still nothing on the couples counseling front.  on jan. 4th 2009 we went to my parents for dinner for my birthday and you could have cut the tension in the room with a knife.  we were cold towards one another.  and then it happened...4 days later i asked if he wanted to grab dinner and i was told that it was over...he had met someone else (HF) and that she was his soulmate.  and there it was...what i wanted all along...my freedom...my happiness...for him to let go of me.  well then why did it hurt so much?  why did it hurt so much for that one person that you vowed for better or worse...sickness and health to just turn his back on me for someone else like that?  it hurt because even as much as it was what i wanted...it felt like everything we had was a complete and utter lie.  that i was just good enough for the moment and now he had totally replaced me that easily.  that's why it hurt.  because i'm human and emotions are confusing and overwhelming and we are who we are.  this divorce has molded part of who i am...but it does not define me.  and some things we need to let go of because they are out of our control.  i can't control what happens...i can only control how i react to what happens...and now here i am...2.25 years later...and i'm ok...i'm good...i'm happy...happiness doesn't mean the hurting is gone...it just means we push on through it...and things always get better...

puppet master

i should have known not to trust.  i'm too good a person.  well i have said i'm done being nice before...but i really am gonna fuck his world up the ass now.  i have a giant 12 inch black dildo that has his name on it...first of all last tax season i text him (because he doesn't take phone calls from me) and asked what we were doing regarding taxes...were we filing married, married but separated, or just separate completely.  well he proceeded to tell me at that time that he already filed and he already claimed our daughter.  well...bygoshbygolly...spit in my eye...it's not like we couldn't have come to some kind of agreement as grown adults.  but when someone takes your power completely from you for so long...and continues to do it after you aren't even together anymore...it tends to make one a bit bitter.  so we came to a (my mistake) verbal agreement that we would alternate years...dammit all i knew i should have gotten that shit it writing!!!  so i sent him a text last tuesday asking if we were still in agreement about alternating years and that this is my year.  well i knew when i got no response that...how do you say...IT WAS ON!  i already had all the info entered when i sent that first text...then i sent one asking if he got my last text...still no response...then i sent one saying...i was trying to keep things courteous between us but just so you know i already filed taxes and i claimed her.  still no response...nothing all week.  not even a text asking me to have our daughter call him.  so strange.  what a coward.  so sunday on our normal child exchange day he came to pick her up and i asked him face to face and he got awkward and said "well i guess we'll find out when there's an audit" so i being the nice person (somewhat naive when it comes to evil people) told him that i couldn't believe that he would do that and that we had an agreement.  then the anger came and i told him that we'll be married for another 2 years because he can't refinance to get my name off the house...i know...but it felt good.  i also told him loudly (with horseface in the car with the window down) that he won't be able to get remarried until we are divorced so good luck with that.  sigh...i hate when i let him get me upset...i think it's more that i get upset that i always want to see the best in people and i always find myself hurt and disappointed in the end.  people are just furking assholes.  ahhh...my little marionet...and his puppet master...i remember when i was the puppet master...and i remember cutting the strings after i got pissed on.  horse face...he's all yours...don't come crying to me when he's screwing you over with his 3rd wife pulling the strings!!!

a glimpse into divorce...written 5/26/10

you can spend a lifetime with someone and never really know them...i spent almost 10 years of my life building a life with a man that was so weak that when things got difficult he found himself in another woman's arms. yes i was the one that left...but i didn't walk away...i was trying to work on it and fight for it and like i said before it was easier to start something new than it was to fix what was clearly broken. i want to trust again...i want to love again...but can i get past that hurt? can you get past the hurt that was caused by someone that had your trust in their own hands and your tears on their heart...when i see him he can't even bring himself to look in my eyes or say hello...how can you say that what we had meant nothing when we loved each other enough to create life together??? i can honestly say that leaving that coward was the best thing i ever did with my life. how can i respect a man that can't even show human decency to a woman he once loved. it's true what they say...listen to the way a man speaks of his mother because it truly will show you how he will someday treat you. i wish i had listened to my heart the first time he spoke ill of his mother. and now to see how easily he can be controlled by this new woman that he's willing to sabotage the relationship with his child's mother all for a piece of ass...it's true it's a powerful thing and some men are too weak to see past it.

The Recorder

so just sitting here knee deep in the bullshit called my ex...thinking back on different things that have happened since our separation in October of 2008.  i found myself reminiscing about the time him and his new chippy of only 3 weeks (at the time) decided they were going to try to catch me saying something incriminating...ya know...like i'll be there at 6 to pick up my daughter...or how could you just give up on 8 years of something we built together for 3 weeks.  anyway...so i remember it like it was yesterday...having a conversation about all of the time we were together and everything we had been through and how he was just so willing to give it up.  he insisted that the new girl in his life who will be referred to from here on out as "horseface" or HF for short...was indeed his soulmate.  i assured him that she was his soulmate just as i had been his soulmate 8 years ago up until about 4 weeks prior.  so out of nowhere i keep hearing this strange beep every 10 to 20 seconds and at first i didn't think anything of it...and then it suddenly popped in my of course hungover head that he was furking recording the call.  so i ever so nicely yelled "ARE YOU RECORDING ME!?!?!" and he kindly (can you sense the sarcasm in the text?) stated "yes"  and then of course i proceeded to explain to him that it wouldn't hold up in court because firstly...i wasn't saying anything that any normal human being wouldn't have said...and secondly i believe it's illegal to record someone without them knowing...making it useless anyway.  ahhh...the brilliance of as i like to call him my "partially retarded" ex.  i mean that with absolutely no offense to anyone that is in fact partially retarded...because it is more an insult to them than it is to him.  needless to say...that was probably the last time we had anything that even closely resembled a normal phone conversation.