that moment...

the story all began on March 23rd, 2000.  we were set up on a blind date by a girl named Melanie that was a mutual friend.  it started with a date to red lobster, a dozen purple tulips (my favorite) and drinks at a bar to watch a band he was friends with.  don't hate on the red lobsters...we were 21.  so he was a perfect gentleman, opened doors, paid for dinner and drinks, quiet and sweet.  he didn't even try to kiss me goodnight.  that was the spring that ended me for a long time.  we spent every minute together that we possibly could.  he had a lot of friends and i liked that.  he was part of a softball league, a volleyball league, he played cards with friends one night a week...in other words he had a life other than me which is always a good sign.  i was too much for him to handle sometimes...but he liked that.  by the end of the summer we were already planning our life together.  i already had a 2 year old daughter and he wanted a whole flock of kids.  it was known immediately that i didn't want anymore children...i never pretended otherwise.  and then we started looking at engagement rings in october.  only 7 months into a relationship of not knowing one another ENOUGH.  by december 1st the ring was on my finger and the wedding plans began.  our nuptials would take place on august, 31st of 2002.  wedding plans were stressful, i wanted to elope and he wanted the big wedding aka...gifts.  so we kept it simple and made it about family and friends.  my first indication of problems should have been when his parents made a big stink about every detail not even being able to be in the same room together.  but we proceeded blinded by what we thought was love...but really we were just looking for someone to rescue us both.  that second income really is a big deal in todays economy.  the wedding came around...it was perfect weather...we had a great time...so in love.  about a year into our marriage is where we started having problems.  fighting all the time, he was home all the time and somehow all those friends he had in the beginning...it turned out they weren't his friends anymore.  so one night in May of 2003 we had a huge blow out argument at 3am.  after that...we were back to bliss.  so he kept pushing the baby issue.  finally...i caved.  we made a plan to get pregnant in august or september so my maternity leave would be strategically placed during the summer of 2004.  we conceived our daughter around thanksgiving leaving a due date of august 15th, 2004.  during our pregnancy we moved twice, once on 4/1/04 into a rental house in the burbs and then the second time on 8/15/04 into the house that we purchased together.  our little bundle of joy was born on 8/27/04...just to mention a weird factoid here...my oldest daughters birthdate is 8/26/98...they were exactly 6 years and 1 day apart.  things were good...i went back to work after the maternity leave which was the first strain.  i knew i wanted no more pregnancies or children so i opted for a tubal ligation after giving birth to our daughter who will be referred to as lilfoots...knowing that this was my last baby it was heart wrenching knowing that i would miss every little thing...first words, first steps...all of those things.  so we talked about it and worked it out and decided together that i would be a stay at home mom.  it was great...a little strapped for cash...but a wonderful experience getting to be there for both my girls like that.  so time passed and the financial strain started wearing on both of us...we were getting buried in debt and he resented me for it...but wouldn't say it.  he was passive agressive and would undermine everything i said or did.  so i decided in 2007, after the strain on our marriage was already almost unrepairable, to go back to work full time.  it was good for me to get back around adult conversation and some kind of socializing.  by that point he had completely isolated himself from anything that resembled a friend...his drinking had become more excessive.  on weekends he would start drinking at 9am and wouldn't stop until he passed out or staggered to the bathroom to throw up.  and then one day i just snapped!  i couldn't even look at him anymore...the thought of us being together made me nauseas.  this man that i once loved...i couldn't even bare to look at anymore.  so i started going out one night a week with girlfriends.  he wouldn't even allow me the space to do that and would text me or call the whole time i was out.  untrusting...pushing me further away.  i handled things poorly.  i was running away from the problems instead of embracing them and working through them.  i fully admit that.  it quickly fell apart...as quickly as it came together.  by May of 2008 i told him we needed to separate.  by August of 2008 he was calling me 15 times a day crying, texting me 150/200 times a day saying please don't leave me.  emailing me 200 times a week professing his love.  so...i told him that we should go to marriage counseling.  he said he would go.  my condition is that i was so tired of doing everything for everyone else and that he had to find the doctor and make the appt and i would be there.  so i waited...and waited...and no appt was ever made and no doctor was ever found.  so my apartment search began for the separation.  i think in the back of my mind i always knew he wouldn't ever do what i asked...so i knew it was over.  i moved out on 10/4/2008 into my very first own apartment.  it was one of the best feelings i had ever felt in my entire life.  my own space...my own...sigh.  well the guilt continued...he pressed on with the phone calls and the texting and the emails on how much i was hurting him and all he ever wanted was to spend his life with me.  i've never denied my part in the failure of my marriage...but he was just unwilling to accept that he played any part or that he was less than perfect.  so we continued to try to work through our problems without counseling...we went on a few dates and spent time together as a family with the kids.  we spent that new years together and for my birthday he took me to dinner and a movie and got upset when i wanted to go out with my friends.  separation...means being separate at times.  still nothing on the couples counseling front.  on jan. 4th 2009 we went to my parents for dinner for my birthday and you could have cut the tension in the room with a knife.  we were cold towards one another.  and then it happened...4 days later i asked if he wanted to grab dinner and i was told that it was over...he had met someone else (HF) and that she was his soulmate.  and there it was...what i wanted all along...my freedom...my happiness...for him to let go of me.  well then why did it hurt so much?  why did it hurt so much for that one person that you vowed for better or worse...sickness and health to just turn his back on me for someone else like that?  it hurt because even as much as it was what i wanted...it felt like everything we had was a complete and utter lie.  that i was just good enough for the moment and now he had totally replaced me that easily.  that's why it hurt.  because i'm human and emotions are confusing and overwhelming and we are who we are.  this divorce has molded part of who i am...but it does not define me.  and some things we need to let go of because they are out of our control.  i can't control what happens...i can only control how i react to what happens...and now here i am...2.25 years later...and i'm ok...i'm good...i'm happy...happiness doesn't mean the hurting is gone...it just means we push on through it...and things always get better...