welcome to the maury show...

and this is my story regarding my oldest daughter whom will be referred to as "lulu".  i'm going to start this little story by saying that my (soon to be) ex was the only father she knew from the time she was 2 years old.  I never told her to call him Daddy...she just picked up on the fact that he was it and everything was good.  He was never a real disciplinarian for her...he was scared to say or do the wrong thing when it concerned her...i think mostly for fear that i would beat the shit out of him if he hurt my little girl.  step parenting has to be hard...especially if there is no other father involved.  so he was it...he took on the role of father to her without any question.  i felt lucky to have met someone like that.  i'll also note that my daughter is bi-racial and he comes from a family that likes to throw the word "nigger" around a whole lot.  well i broke them of that real quick...i mean...real quick.  so probably about 2 years after lilfoots was born lulu preferred spending most of her time with my parents.  ex and her fought constantly for my attention and affection and i was torn right down the middle because that's my daughter and i wanted to keep my husband happy too.  he would do things to spite her at that point.  well through the separation for the first few months from oct/2008 to jan/2009 he still would take lulu during the time he took lilfoots because they were his children and that was it.  well...once HF came into the picture...that was it.  he dropped lulu like she was a hot disease ridden potato.  now 2.25 years later he won't even say hello or look lulu in the eye.  not one word.  how can you be a father for 8 years to a child and then just turn your back and walk away????  i don't understand.  so with that being said...i started my quest for her real father.  now this hurts to say and this is the reason why this post is titled "welcome to the maury show"...i was 18 and involved in unsavory things including but not limited to lots of cocaine and lots of heavy drinking.  so...i am about 90% positive that her father is a Nigerian man named Abdul that i spent very little time with...enough time to get pregnant...but barely knew much about one another.  our brief affair started when we met at a 7-11 (romantic i know)...he was 10 years older than me and was so handsome.  he took me on weekend getaways to DC and Maryland and it was exciting and fun.  so after a weekend away he dropped me off at the apartment i lived in...in Elkins Park and i already just knew i was pregnant...right away.  he disappeared for almost 3 months and i was terrified.  18...pregnant and completely alone.  wtf.  so during those 3 months that he went missing...i slept with this guy ya just a few times...but enough times that anything is possible.  now i remember abdul coming to the apartment after months out of the picture and me telling him i was pregnant...showing him the EDC (estimated date of conception) and he was great about the whole thing...he asked if i needed anything and told me we would go out the next day and spend time together.  the next day i paged him (that was the day of pagers) and paged him and paged him...no response.  hours passed and finally i got a call back and it was him asking me if i had considered an abortion.  i asked him how he could disappear for 3 months and then act like he had any kind of say in what happened from there???  my mind was made up and he could either be a full time father or a no time father because he wasn't going to have my child growing up disappointed.  well...that was it...i never heard from him again.  when i was pretty far along...maybe 7 or 8 months i went to the apartment he had in Jenkintown and as i was knocking on the door realized it was slightly open...when i walked in the entire place was cleared out.  and there it was...the moment i really knew that i was completely alone in this decision i made as a child that quickly turned me into an adult.  so a few friends that knew ya told me over the years that lulu looked like him and omg he's gotta be the dad.  but none of them knew abdul...and i just saw abdul in her face...her smile...her eyes...everyday i still see him in her.  i barely remember what he looks like...but she looks like him.  over this past summer of 2010 i reached out to ya on facebook and i told him i needed to talk to him.  i told him...after 11 years that there was a possibility that he had a daughter but that i thought the chance of him being her father was the slimmest there was.  i told him that we should get a paternity test to rule out the possibility.  we got together and talked through things.  i informed him that i didn't want to disrupt his life or his engagement to his fiance...that i just simply wanted to know for sure.  that was fine...we would text on a weekly basis and try to figure things out...but nothing ever happened.  that was it.  then around xmas time he basically cursed me out via text and told me that i kidnapped his daughter and that he knows that she is his and there is no question.  well...for me...there is a still a HUGE question.  only a paternity test will tell at this point if he is or isn't.  i did some research on abdul as well.  apparently i found out that he was arrested after he dropped me off that time and spent close to 3 months in MCCF.  he came straight to me when he was released and then disappeared again.  he was going through a trial for identity fraud and credit card scam rings that he was involved in.  boy i can sure pick them huh!?!?!  well now i have all the info i need to possibly locate him...but do i really want to reach out to someone that i also recently found out was married at the time i was involved with him and had an infant step son.  so welcome to my life aka the maury show...some difficult decisions need to be made here...and sometimes i still feel like a child myself...these decisions i've made have directly affected another human being...and have hurt her...now i need to make the decision that could possibly heal the hurt...or cause more...being a parent hurts.